We just give them the start!
August has brought grandchildren, nieces, nephews, cousins together and a host of discussions about parenting to our house. What was great, what was questionable? Whose ideas are better?
This morning, I had a discussion with Niki, the mother of eight. We have had many conversations about helping our kids learn to self-parent themselves.
Niki said, “I just had a discussion with Erzsi. I am clear. I will do the best I can. I will not be responsible for all my kid’s choices. I just gave them a start.”
A good start in life
Is all parents can give.
Good NUTRITION, good THOUGHTS
And examples to live.
That’s all we can do
We know that is true,
Because no matter what
We are being tested too.
Get ready - be prepared,
For the nature of life.
We’re all learning from
Our own troubles and strife. sg
We benefit from the "freedom" we have to be individuals here in America and I like that!!!
“HUMBLENESS” is currently on the list of one of the top characteristics of successful people according to Business Insider research. How do I remain proud and assertive without being haughty or arrogant? In a country like Japan everyone greets each other with a bow.
As a third generation American with Japanese heritage, I watched my parents and grandparents greet anyone outside our home with a bow. Without thinking I perform some similar gesture and at least nod my head in kind of an American style bow. I notice if I say, “Hi”, I lift my chin. If I say, “Konnichiwa” (good day in Japanese - greeting someone), I tuck my chin and lower my forehead.
My fifth generation grandson makes fun of bowing by coming up to me and making an exaggerated forward bend and smiling because in comedy and on stage Japanese are depicted always bowing. The Japanese American Citizen’s League filed a law suit over a situation in Washington State as a legal protest against this stereotyping form of discrimination.
It is most irritating to me , as Americans with Japanese Heritage who grew up in the USA, to meet socially with those who come from Japan who consider themselves in a higher class and seem offended when I don’t bow to them.
Conversely, I am embarrassed when I meet with those who were born in Japan and they bow so low to me.
Clearly, humbleness and humility are inadequate terms. What I want to get to is a feeling of dignity with mutual respect and leave the "class system" behind.
yo = extra, additional (time, skill building, money, foresight)
yu = abundance, ample (cushion, the zone, poise)
Country singer, Glen Campbell, died yesterday of Alzheimer problems. One of the descriptions given of his life is that on his farewell tour three years ago, he sometimes forgot the names of his children, but he could play his guitar without missing a beat. They say, "The skill and music was 'in his heart'." He had 'yoyu' to meet his challenges.
Last night, the Seattle Mariner baseball team overcame a 6-2 deficit and won the game in 10 innings. They had 'yoyu'!
Vince Lombardi, renowned coach of the GreenBay Packers football team, used to say, "If you are five minutes early, you are ten minutes late." He knew how to put 'yoyu' into his time management.
Thomas Sowell, economist at Stanford's Hoover Institute, teaches, "Think beyond stage one." In other words, put in some spacing: making choices - yoyu - and taking action.
Today, I decided to start practicing putting some 'yoyu' into my life when I get in the car to go for an errand or appointment. If I can get in the car a little ahead of the time that I actually have to leave and sit and think, then I would benefit myself with not leaving and going down the road before I remember a couple things I forgot. Today, I let it go and didn't turn around and go back home, but sometimes I do.
Learning from the "Three Fingers Pointed At Self"
Blaming Others Brings on Chronic Stress:
Even if I am using this as a defense mechanism to avoid anxiety or emotional pain, harboring negative emotions and anger means I am living with chronic stress, the type that eats away at me little by little. Chronic stress is the type of stress linked to chronic fatigue, back pain, stomach upset and headaches and serious diseases like heart trouble, Cancer, Depression and autoimmune diseases.
Much of malcontent has to do with the refusal to take personal responsibility. People make mistakes and engage in regrettable actions. But by failing to take personal responsibility the road to constructive change is blocked. This refusal is piloted by the belief that somehow it is not okay to make mistakes. Better to blame others than to admit culpability. For, making mistakes means being flawed and being flawed means being unworthy of respect.
I must give up the blame claim that someone always has to be blamed and made to pay. Everyday life isn’t a court of law and I'm not the judge and jury. To accept myself and others unconditionally is not easy. This doesn’t mean I can’t negatively rate my own actions or those of others; but it does mean that I shouldn’t berate myself or others. People aren’t “assholes” or “shits” even when they do shitty things.
Articles in Psychology Today and others suggest "recasting responsibility" as a way to learn from my mistakes. Accepting my fallibility as a route toward self-improvement has brought peace of mind. I rest content that I live in an imperfect world. Embracing this imperfect universe and the fallible beings in it, myself and others — putting my energy into choices that move me forward - has paid off richly.
Rollerblade Hockey team in Half Moon Bay, CA. "Pure human grit, no politics, no horror, just a few kids fighting for something they never even knew they wanted." 7/30/17
Last Sunday was the "Championship" round for, our almost 10-yr-old granddaughter's Rollerblade Hockey season. Three "star" players and the coach were not available. The remaining team members (4 total) carried their fears with them all week. They had one sub to make the team (5) total but with no substitutes.
Our granddaughter said over and over "we're going to lose!" The day before the game she said, "We have go to to the high school and practice! We need to practice before tomorrow!"
Each parent had a similar story to tell. The nerves ran high, but each player knew it was "up to them".
The first period (of three) it was 0-0. The team held together, with no reserves. Sometimes they had 4 on the field so one could rest for a few minutes. The second period they went up 3-1. They could not believe it. Each goal was a victory, each of the "stops" they had against the other team was amazing. The third period was tied 3-3 until the last 2 minutes. A puck made it through and the other team scored. It was 4-3 with one minute to go. Granddaughter's team goalie came off the field and it was an offensive last ditch play to tie it up and go into overtime. With :20 seconds left, the other team made a goal. It was 5-3 and they lost!
The team came off the rink exhausted — but elated. Each player knew they did their best. Our granddaughter was happy and felt proud of her performance. It was a celebration.
The next day the stand-in-coach sent an e-mail, "They all stepped up. The most amazing were Kira and Kirin. My blast email tried not to focus on individuals, but you should let Kirin know- we’ve seen what she can do now. No more huddling with Sophie behind the bench, or hiding in the defensive zone. She showed that when she shows up to play she can play- and really really well too."
Grandpa Sam comments, "Losing is good!!! I remember the Weiser High School football game where I made all those tackles. We lost! Coach Gill took me to the Rotary Club meeting in Ontario later because I was given an award for being voted "the best defensive opponent".
Amygdala is where emotions such as fear or pleasure are processed. One way to find it is to stick a finger in the ear. We can learn and develop skills for more satisfaction by practicing good thinking
Our grandchildren sent me a podcast story from Stitcher Radio - stories for bedtime, car rides and kids - where the grandma answers, most occurrences and issues that come up in the family, with the words, "Good news, bad news!"
Grandma has figured out a way to turn on and off the Amygdala switch (your emotional thermostat). Research suggests the Amygdala also enhances memory by heightening the emotion related to the incident. Niel Slade's research states this includes logical and intuitive perception of future events. Slade further suggests ways to "supercharge the Frontal Lobes" for sharpening ones mind.
Conversely, a Japanese study on NHK television showed how "stress" - we no longer have to flee or fight wild animals as cave dwellers; and is replaced by modern living - grows extra nerve endings. Therefore, the Amygdala more efficiently transmits messages to our body organs and especially the adrenals. This produces extra Cortisol that causes problems in our arteries that lead to Heart Disease, Diabetes, Cancer and a host of other problems..
Slade further suggests there is an Anterior Amygdala and Posterior Amygdala. Turning on the Anterior causes pleasure and peace of mind. Turning on the Posterior causes discomfort, paranoia, fear, rage and emotional pain.
Grandma is right, "Good news, Bad news!" We stimulate our brain with thought. Thought and electrochemical brain activity are inseparable. The question is: What am I doing to learn and develop the skills for controlling my thoughts so I can spend more of my time with pleasure and peace-of-mind?
John Rosemond video for Prager University
According to Rosemond, PROTECTION, AFFECTION & DIRECTION are the requirements for good parenting.
Material and heart-felt emotional over-indulgence is creating depression, whining, entitlement addiction in our children. Also true with the "child" within each adult!
This Vitamin N deficiency is not just out there - I find a deficiency with my own inner child as well. I just looked in my pantry and there are several boxes of goodies given to me by my friend, who Japanese-style gives them to me in friendship when she comes back from Japan. I don't want to hurt her feelings and the treats are really tasty and beautiful in appearance. It's not easy to say "no" and choose something more nutritious when I feel hungry for a snack.
Starbucks is on every street corner in our Seattle environment. It's not easy to say "no" to too many Frappucchinos on warm summer days.
I walked through Nordstrom with our daughter and she said, "Look, that's good looking and on sale!" In no way do I need another dress, but I bought it.
On the other hand, I have long established a habit of staying on my budget. I learned early in life to not spend more financially than I make. That also applies to spending more emotions and energy than I have or can create.
Therefore, add "VITAMIN-O" - opportunities for growth and learning for a more fulfilling life!!!
Studies show families where "no" is strong and repeated often come out more successful.
When our first daughter got to age two, I decided she didn't have to go through the "no no stage". I disciplined her without using the word "no". Therefore, we avoided that no no stage, but just saying the word "no" is not the total answer to building our good inner values and self awareness.
That didn't mean we allowed her to not learn discipline and self-control of her emotions of wanting whatever she thought about or saw that looked inviting. Evidently, one of the studies done at a prestigious college found there was a huge difference in families that said "no" a lot. Disfunctional families were found to be too indulgent and used the word "no" less.
One of the baby steps is repetition. I helped get the Suzuki Method of Talent Education started in the Seattle area. One of the principles of starting a student at the age of three learning to play the violin, cello or piano is that we don't expect the child to do more than repeat learning Mozart's TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR for a whole year. Parents have no trouble praising each little effort of that three-year-old the whole year as well.
It's a struggle. According to Prager in FOR GOODNESS SAKE, struggle is good and necessary to get to "goodness" because we are all born self-indulgent. Culture and learning skills the KAIZEN way are steps toward success in life. It is suggested this separates us from the animals, but it is even getting to be "in" to have all kinds of schools for animals as well.
Challenge is to start with one small step at a time and appreciate each step
Seventeen-month-old Marshall visited us this week. It is easy for his parents and for Sam and me to figure out how to satisfy his simple wants. It was also relatively easy for us to feel good about satisfying his wants.
As we age it is harder to simplify a want or need and have that want or need fulfilled. The deeper value of KAIZEN is to develop the skills to complete each small step every day.
Marshall is just learning to do the stairs. He has to crawl or have us hold his hand to successfully do a stair without falling and getting hurt. It's the same with life.
Using the metaphor of stair climbing, I like thinking of Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. Like our three story house, the first set of stairs is to learn to satisfy our "having needs" of food, clothing, shelter and safety. The second set of stairs is to learn to satisfy our "doing needs" striving to gain respect and dignity. Every day, we need to climb the "having stairs" before we can climb the "doing stairs".
The ultimate goal in life is to learn the skills of climbing the third set of stairs of "having needs" for love beauty and esthetics. Not only do we daily satisfy the first two set of stairs, but it is best to learn the skills of each of the steps in the later set - one small step at a time.
Marshal reminds us that he practices one small step over and over each day. And there is no doubt that we expect him to ultimately climb all the way to the top. We want to avoid getting stuck. KAIZEN means learning and appreciating the essential skills of each step, keep repeating so we don't forget and to keep going.
Sophomore Keilyn Kunimoto and Anna Oda are headed to the National Championships in San Diego. Wow!!
Keilyn is Jodilyn Nakanishi and Keith Kunimoto's daughter in Hilo, Hawaii. Sam, with his mother's Nakanishi heritage, says, "It's got to be part of our Nakanishi blood?" But visiting them on the big island, Keith is super involved with Kei-K and tennis!! Great parenting.
The best part of this picture of success is how wise Kei-K is about life. As in my last post about the 5 traits of successful people, she is equally excited about the success of others saying, "“I’m also super excited to share this experience with my good friend, and I’m really looking forward to it. This is the first time Anna and I qualified for nationals, and I’m really happy we were able to qualify together.”.
She seeks new experiences, “I’m super excited to get the opportunity to play against the top talent because it is a chance for me to get more experience playing different people and seeing how I can do against high-level players,” Kei-K said. “Overall, I’m looking to gain more experience playing better players while having a great time."
She is humble about it all while going all out.
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