Need…
not sure what it really means… of course there are definitions and explanations… but am I needed by others… do I need to feel needed by others… well for one thing I think that I’m not needed but more wanted… not wanted in a sense of desire but in a sense of convenience… I am called upon to help or assist or to just do the whole thing completely… I guess others would consider this being needed but I don’t… I left my home for a year and everyone had to do what they had to do while I was gone so why when I come back, they don’t continue to do so… the feeling of needing someone, hmmmm… I’m not sure if I know what that feels like… I have false feelings of need towards someone but once again it’s for my convenience… it’s funny to not understand the simple term ‘need’ but it’s used so freely, the only things I am sure that I need is air, water, food and memory(random but needed)… I guess I would like clothes too so I will not go to jail HAHA but no really a shirt and jeans is good enough… I know most people thrive off by feeling needed but I like not feeling needed… I guess it’s a sense of independence… although I need others for financial reason but I still feel that’s not ‘need’ I feel like its obligation… I’m young and in college what can they expect and honestly I don’t like asking others for things so it takes a lot for me to ask anything (reasons discussed later lol)… puzzling to my mind, I guess people ask if they are needed everyday… what conclusions do they come up with I wonder; children, work, school, family, etc… I guess I will know what it feels like when it comes because I will need this thing just as much as I need to eat and breathe I guess…. hmmmmm
shizuka tsukino signing off
this is a piece i made a few years ago called Greed. it represents one of the seven deadly sins. its a hand grabbing at these twirled, intwined balls that it is connected to. if you notice its arm has 2 or 3 green stones in it, which is whats in the center of the balls it is grabbing. so its as though it is hogging his wonders and devouring them with its own hands even though it is already the hands belongings. thus greed. although with a touch of glutton but mainly greed based.
Shizuka Tsukino signing off
today i find that my card has been charged AGAIN... im confused because since i got my new card i havent ordered anything online or nothing... although the new card doesnt seem new to me... all that has changed is the little # on the back... but anyway somehow they got it and now charged me $70 for some dumba** grant thing and i cant contact them.. so i went to the site to see if i've ever been there and what do you know, I HAVENT EVEN HEARD SEEN OR BEEN THERE BEFORE EEVEEEEER... i cant get in touch with them but i will tomorow because on the site they charge monthly $70.. oh to the heck no, not after the first time...
i feel violated, confused, angry, guilty, upset, sad everything. i just saved $100 for college that starts in a month, and now my bank account is negative.. T_T my mind is tired right now from all this nonsense... it happened so suddenly and my heart aches so much.. its not the money thats the problem its the stealing of identity... they are sending something to my address i dont know what but right now i'm just through...
i give up... i hate this idiotic country and the people who are able to this... i just want to disappear somewhere else with a new life... ugh.
this is dramatic i know but right now im confused, in a bad way, and irritated.. i dont know what to do anymore....
Shizuka Tsukino signing off >.<
okay so my sister told i tend make faces alot without realizing. then my cousin told me the same thing. my friends usually justt point it out to me...
just trip me for making faces at people or towards them without knowing!!. honestly i get lost in my thought sometimes and i make the face that tends to what im thinking in my head... weird you say, well i say... agreed lol.. whats it your business if im frowning and unfrowning my brow while looking around the room. or if i got a look on my face that seems as though i ate the yummiest cupcake in the world. IM SORRY it makes you confuse >.<.. but its my nature to confuse others, what can i say. i do it without realizing it.
my favorite thing my sister and cousin told me was that i make faces while people(i know.. sometimes) talk to me. my sister tells me she know when i dont know a word or saying when i scrunch my mouth, frown my brow and pace back & forth with my eyes. she said, "its like you go in your own little world and wont comeback until you have figured it out." thats why shes my fave... My cousin told me she was scared to say things in front of me sometimes because i give a look as if im saying "thats the stupidest thing i've ever heard". haha she said it was like in my head i hope what im aboout to say isnt stupid. lol i apologized..
i wonder what other random faces i make teehee
Shizuka Tsukino signing off
okay so let me start off saying that i watch Japanese, Korean and Taiwanese Dramas (yea yea get your laughs and/or sighs out -_- )... i tend to watch them in the beginning but after the 5 or 6 episode i drop off (like i will prolly continue months later, MAYBE)... they all tend to be that dramatic school love or the ugly duckling story (typical)... one day i tried something new!!... its called Around 40... its a really great show that i relate to oddly even though im only 19 lol but i somehow kind of get it... AAAAAAANYWAY, the show is different, yeayea it has that typical love thing but it seems different with older women and men... its a refreshing show in my eyes... although its not technically new its new to me haha.
you know this gave me a thought... the 'dramas' i finished tend to older people (like 30-40) involved or marriage or comedy... hmmmmmmmma... im not sure what that means... >.>...<.<...>.>...-_-
haha
Shizuka Tsukino signing off
not glowing
heres a lantern i made. took 3 months. the longest 3 months of my life but once i was done with it i was proud. ^.^ this is it all glowing.
someone asked me what i would give up for immortality, and it cant be material... i thought to myself what would i give up for immortality... i told them to let me think on it for one day and they agreed... so i went around and asked others what they would give up... i got answers like hatred, revenge, envy, sadness... and as i went on this whole day asking about 10-15 people i felt that there answer were all unworthy, it was all the bad feelings and sensations... i thought, what immortal would give immortality to someone who wouldnt give up something they wanted or something they didnt like, its not a fair trade... so i sat and thought what would i give up... then i saw the person the next day and i said i would give up 3 things.. i told this person the 3 things and they looked at me with such a strange face... then the person said why... i gave a reason for each 1. no one, even family, would have to bare the burden of knowing that i wont die ever, also so i dont have to bare the burden that they will die before me, 2. i would be giving the very thing its trying to give me so its as though im being reborn or becoming a sacrafice, 3. it's something everyone experience once in their life so since im immortal i will never know the importance of it... the person looked at me and said you are deep,for some reason i understand some things more. im glad i asked you... i smiled and we continued our day ^.^
oh the 3 things were
1. memories ( of me, family, friends, etc)
2. my life
3. eternal bliss
Shizuka Tsukino signing off
this is the photo i took to go with the poem
a poem i wrote a while ago. along with a photo i took to go along with it. enjoy^.^
not feeling up to hearing anyone.
unloved, underappreciated, deserved.
falling out of kind, rolling into hate.
resentment, turmoil, shunned.
on my own, disconnected from the world.
disconnected from my world, my feelings.
lost, missing, frustrated.
i cant, i will, no i refuse.
i'll run, i'll stay, yes i quit.
unsuccessful, discouraged, determined.
look at me look at you.
i see nothing but despair, you see the light.
blind, sick, tired.
i glance to my left, my right, nothing.
set me free into a cage, a box.
lonely, trapped, fragile.
reality has been strained.
mountains are my paths, valleys and fields are my obstacles.
insanity, wonders, struggle.
it is what it was.
While you sit, I cower in my mind.
blood, death, love.
Love.
Shizuka Tsukino signing off
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