GOOD CONVERSATIONS ARE ADULT TO ADULT
The CHART was developed from a class that Sam and I took called PARENT EFFECTIVENESS TRAINING. It applies to all communication but particularly to PROBLEM TIMES.
In each of us there is a PARENT-ADULT-CHILD. When I talk to 51-yr-old Kelly using my Parent "should", she will respond as a Child. If I whine as a Child, she will respond as a Parent and she does both. My choice is to talk as much as I can as an Adult but consciously choose the skill when I feel tension in the conversation.
Last night, Kelly came and rightfully berated me for something I did wrong. I'm not good at quick answers, so I said nothing. If it's an important issue, we can bring it up again, maybe while we are having Sushi.
Talking as an adult is to use "I language" - not "You language" - and learn to express how I am deeply feeling.
In counseling, If using Adult language is difficult, I always suggest NO TALKING. To resolve an issue with our children, spouse or anyone, I suggest going to a public place to have a discussion. I've always done a lot of treating at favorite restaurants ONE-ON-ONE.
![A Way to Start Daily Practice o...]()
A Way to Start Daily Practice of Direction
for Leveraging Our Energy for Good
Judo Principle Skill Building
Similar to the Judo practice sessions of bowing to honor the teacher and the dojo/practice room, I can start my day with mindfulness of my living space. Using the previous Ikebana Principle of flowers representing “Heaven/Man/Earth I can begin with appreciation of my life and all of creation. Part of the process in Ikebana, as well as with Japanese Gardens, is to bring the mountains, rivers and the flora & fauna into our small living spaces.
This morning, part of my honoring my environment was to clean the area we see as one comes in the door here at my daughter’s apartment. At home in Seattle, I let our girls create and leave a mess up stairs, but I always make my bed and keep our common living area cleaned each day. My secret for getting them to clean their rooms is to invite company over for dinner and they have no problem cleaning their rooms.
The next part of mindfulness in Judo is the skill of understanding our relationship to man. We can not fulfill our basic needs of food/clothing/shelter/safety/learning alone. As Sam shows us in his comic strip, learn to leverage our own energy so it matches the direction of our opponent’s energy producing desired results. Learning skills for opponents can be skills for collaboration and leadership in general
Therefore, I start my mindful practice by understanding my direction in life - “to bring out the best in myself and others”. It took a lot of practice to keep that in my mind as I saw the girls doing something else when they had a limited amount of time to dress and eat breakfast to get out the door for going to school. It was time to use “‘I’ language” or “No talking during problem times” which are skills I have worked to teach in my counseling sessions.
![NEED ALL THREE ON THE TE...]()
NEED ALL THREE ON THE TEAM TO THRIVE
Most of us are part of some work place environment - job, our homes, clubs. If we want that environment to thrive and not just survive, Durst says, "Unlike personality types, operational styles address how you view your job, how you view yourself within a work context..."
I'm a flyer. I like to think about the future, be open and flexible, do things to contribute to the big picture of life. Sam was a walker. He provided the organized information, action and follow-up of our activities. We both liked to think outside the box.
What I thought I didn't like were the climbers. I thought they were arrogant and selfishly trying to get ahead. What I realize now is, that was the flip side of their talents and we need them to move the organization to accomplish the goals and then move on to the next levels.
The Judo principle reminds me to find the direction I am going first. As I meet opposition, use this momentum, match part of their direction and practice the skill of self control to leverage the results that I want.
![THE ART OF GENTLE PERSUAS...]()
THE ART OF GENTLE PERSUASION
The art of Judo is considered a defensive skill such as warding off an unwanted physical attack. Therefore, the practice of the skill in lessons is to take turns throwing the opponent to the ground by using the energy direction already in place. In life we are constantly confronted by nay sayers and physical issues where we can use our Judo skills if we practice.
It occurs to me the natural energy direction can be thought of as "bringing out the best in ourselves and others". Instead of a defensive principle, it is my mission in life to use this idea to help myself and others.
I'm reading this book WALKERS CLIMBERS FLYERS. Leigh Durst gives us ways to enhance our workplace interactions that can be applied to all our relationships with family and our social networks.
In the Myers Briggs profiles I find myself evenly part of all the profiles. With Leigh's questions, I am a flyer. I am reading and rereading to figure out what is the best way to move forward in my life.
I help facilitate a Synergizer group with my Shaklee business and what we have worked on the most is to not be over reactive TO the negativity in society and to criticism thrown at us. Like the Judo Principle - USE THE DIRECTION OF THE ENERGY and the ENERGY for a better outcome.
![POWER OF USING LIMITED RES...]()
POWER OF USING LIMITED RESOURCES!
My cousin said to me recently, "Do you know how poor you were?" I am constantly grateful that I grew up poor. We had the basics.
With Ikebana, the art of flower arranging, the basics are the flowers that represent heaven, man and earth where simplicity adds to the esthetics. The whole of nature is brought in, to inspire us to appreciate nature and all that is available to us, when we let minds and actions express beauty by developing our talents.
Sam and I enjoyed living our life with limited resources. We started our marriage spending $15 a week on groceries. It was fun to see if we could use up everything and have tasty and good looking meals.
It's fun to develop an IKEBANA ATTITUDE.
![BON = TRAY; SAI = PLANTING]()
BON = TRAY; SAI = PLANTING
Bonsai plants bring nature into our homes. I like the comparison of the Gardener to Parenting. Trimming away the excess is the discipline we need, not only in keeping a clean physical environment, but also as part of our thinking.
We need strong roots. IKE'S PRINCIPLES are designed to help us think about our heritage values and a foundation of as said by Barry Schwartz in his TED talk, "Do the right thing, in the right way, at the right time."
Visualizing a fulfilling life with exposure to beauty and nature as our mentors is key. Then, exercising the freedom of making our own choices is important - not leaving our thinking up to our surrounding influences. The gardener has to water every day, especially when it's warm; and bring the plants in when it is freezing outside.
It's our responsibility as we become adult to being our own mentors and parents who take care of the child within as we work to create our God given heaven within. It's fun to add a little humor!
![11 PRINCIPLES THAT WILL CH...]()
11 PRINCIPLES THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE
Several years ago, Ike was one of the first individuals of Japanese Heritage to get an executive job as Director of Atlantic Street Center in Seattle. It was during a time when "Black Is Beautiful" was being emphasized.
Ike said, "'Yellow Is Beautiful' doesn't resonate!"
Thus, Sam and I had Ike over once a week for a period of time and wrote the book IKE'S PRINCIPLES.
In our Thursday night leadership meetings, we are discussing these principles that I will explain in the next few weeks on my blog.
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