World In Front Of Me

Chivalry is such a nice thing, well, for a girl. It's kinda sad to say that I'm not used to it. I'm not used to having guys around me who are chivalrous. I'm all for gender equality but sometimes it's really nice to have a door opened for you, have some help with heavy books, etc. 

It's kind of weird if you're just trying to be a gentleman to impress a girl like my friend did back in high school. He suddenly became a gentleman to me saying that he's practicing it so he can get used to it when he's with his girlfriend. It's funny but it's still nice that he's trying to better himself for this girl. 

Today is the first time any guy who isn't a relative of mine drove me home. Well not exactly but still he offered to drive me anywhere. His exact words, not mine and I just realized it. Logically I would think he meant anywhere nearby so of course I didn't take advantage of his offer. When he dropped me off at a 7Eleven because I have to buy some food, he was really nice and told me to take care which may not sound much of anything but not many guys I know would say that when saying goodbye. 

No matter what girls say, being a gentleman is a great thing, ok? I hope my classmate doesn't ever get tired of being a gentleman. 

Striving to be better for a girl isn't a bad thing. In fact, it's the best thing I like about Ryan Conferido. He's a break dancer of Quest Crew, winner of America's Best Dance Crew 3 and he was also in So You Think You Can Dance 1. He's also a pianist, writer and hairstylist. He wrote on his blog that he wants to make himself better to be worthy of the girl who will be the love of his life. He hasn't met this girl yet but he is already in love with her, the idea of her being somewhere in this world. It's really sweet from my perspective. 

There are those people you don't like just because you don't like them. I have a strong gut feeling and I listen to that because it's reliable. That's why there ate people I don't befriend because of nothing in particular. I usually keep an open mind but it closes once the gut starts talking. 

And I really don't like this one guy and each minute I am with him feels like hell and I just bolted out of class a while ago because he was sitting next to me. I just don't want anything to do with him. I don't want to see him, talk to him or even hear his name. There's nothing wrong with him it's just that I don't like him. 

And I just realized recently my biggest pet peeve. Saying acronyms weirdly. If it's LOL say it by spelling it out L-O-L and actually you don't even say that in normal conversations. If you really want to laugh out loud then do it don't say it like you're texting or chatting with someone online. Then it's much worse if you actually say it as it is spelled like the way you say the first syllable of lollipop. I don't freaking get it. Just laugh you idiot! What's so hard about that? The worst thing is saying it like LOLOLOL to emphasize how much you find something funny. Just laugh like a normal person!!!!! Saying it this way only makes you sound douchey and stupid. So stop it. I don't want to be associated with people like these. Ugh. Just ugh. 

I know I just have a bad way of coping with loss but I have to stop thinking about it to make things easier. Maybe this is just my way of dealing.

He's gone and I'd always see him as he was before--happy albeit indifferent. I wish that is there was a heaven, he's there now and really happy. I can't express how much this affected me. I can't even bear the thought of saying good bye when I never really got to know him. It hurts a lot but I can't imagine the pain his family is going through. I wish they can stay strong because it's times like these that makes you want to give up.

I don't want to cry anymore but I'm mourning for you. I really hope that you're happy and finally at peace.

I want to write a lot more but I don't think I can so I'll get straight to the point. Somebody I know is in a coma and everyone's posting on Facebook and twitter about him. I'm not friends with him personally but seeing the effort everyone is giving to show him support is amazing and overwhelming. To be honest I'm scared as hell for him but I have hope that he will wake up. He has to. Everything's going to be fine. It has to. I cried for a while but I realize I have to keep believing. It's not over for him yet. Tomorrow we will know what will happen but I hope and pray that he will be fine.

His profile is full of touching messages. Everyone from my high school kept sharing the news asking people to pray for him and even made the hashtag and his name trend on twitter. Everyone misses him already and I am just so happy to see this support.

I am not religious and I don't even know if there is a God but I will pray for him. He has to be okay. He has to be alright. He's only 17 and the world is waiting for him. He's going to be okay. He is.

In one of my lit classes, we are supposed to read this essay that discusses one of the literary works we are reading. It sounds completely boring, right? And to add to that, our prof said that it's really interesting and great to read. He said a lot of praises for the essay but I didn't really listen at the time and you can't blame me. After hearing that he absolutely loves the essay, I was like, "Are you serious? Please tell me you're being sarcastic." but then again, he's a prof and he's teaching these stuff so maybe he does mean his words.

I stare at the 15 page essay we were supposed to read and I know it was going to be a long night. A long and boring one, I might add. But when I started reading it, somewhere along the middle of the essay, I got really hooked. Like I really wanted to understand what it's saying and I find myself noticing a lot about the novel we're reading that I have taken for granted. It's like a new set of eyes were being put on me so I can understand the novel more clearly. Sounds nerdy and it does feel nerdy but man reading the essay felt awesome. The way it was written was really good and it has a way of convincing you to agree with the writer's opinions and that's not an easy thing to do. I mean have you read any good essays lately? Do you even read any essays?

It feels weird writing about this like I'm wearing a huge shirt that doesn't even belong to me. But I just wanted to share that sometimes what our first impression is, isn't everything. When we take the time and the effort to really get to know something, we find beauty in it. If somebody made you read an academic essay, you'd probably react like I initially did but I spent like two hours trying to decipher the thing and it paid off. I feel a little sense of fulfillment that I know a little more than I did before. 

So my point is, we shouldn't judge a book by it's cover--literally. And maybe we shouldn't judge it by it's length too (I mean those Harry Potter books are even thicker than the bible but I've read some of them and still I can't make myself finish the bible from cover to cover.) And without saying, that goes for people, places and things too. 

In my Sociology class, we had this exercise by Bem called sex-typing. It'll determine if you're female, male, androgynous or undifferentiated. And apparently, I'm not a female. You can search for the test online and take it yourself but the thing is, I don't think it can be reliable especially at the present. The test was made 40 years ago and the test only asks you to rate yourself and stereotypes what qualities a male or a female should have.

I'm borderline androgynous or male and I find that so funny since my last post I was a whiny girl complaining about bikinis. It's not my fault I'm a self-reliant, opinionated, athletic and risk-taking girl. And to put your judgements off, being androgynous doesn't mean you're gay or something. It only means that you have both qualities of a male and a female and you utilize both. And that's perfect to my ears. If I have male qualities well I can say that in a patriarchal society, a girl has to do what it takes to not be pushed around and if that means having male qualities like standing up for yourself, having leadership skills, being tactful and etc., then that's what I'm going to do. I'm not a feminist but I don't like it when people have such strong stereotypes for people because in their eyes everyone's in a neat box that they can label and they have to see that the world isn't like that anymore.

Women can be bread winners of the family and men can be homemakers. Women can take positions in the government and straight males can also have jobs most people would associate with women or gay males.

People grow and change. People are dynamic.

What do you guys think? It wouldn't hurt to leave a comment below :)

In my almost 18 years on the planet, I have never worn a bikini. It's sad and true. I have only worn one piece bathing suits or those halter top type ones. And that's ok really and I don't even own a bikini but when my aunt gave me one, I took this opportunity to wear it for my friend's swimming party but they didn't let me. My family is conservative, that's why. It was too... Sexy. That's what they said. Yeah showing that much skin is semi-inappropriate in my family. I remember wearing a dress and it was short and my parents would keep calling it to my attention as if I wasn't wearing shorts underneath. 

Let me tell you that I'm not a bikini type of girl. Maybe last year I could've flaunted one because I have a really flat stomach but I've gained weight since then without my varsity training from high school. But last night when I tried it on, gosh I never thought I could look like that. It was a different person in front of the mirror and she's beautiful. It felt like that wasn't me. I've never been confident with my body but that was my moment last night and I'm really glad. But yes my night has to be spoiled because they won't let me wear it. 

I mean it's not like I'll be the only one wearing a bikini. Most probably I'm the only one who won't be. Sure there are guys there but those aren't pervs. They're my classmates! Besides I can always wear something to cover up. Now my biggest insecurity is being the only one not wearing a bikini. I can always shrug it off and blame it on my pockmarks that haven't completely disappeared after getting chicken pox last year. But who would give a damn about that reason, right? 

Call me a girl and a spoiled brat but I just wish my family would let me grow up and grow up confident. I'm a very very shy person if you meet me in person but sometimes what you wear really gives a boost in the self-esteem area.  

Now I realize how stupid and whiny this post has been but I have to let it out sooner or later because I don't like this extreme conservative thinking my parents have. Not that I have anything against them and I'm thankful for them for raising me the way I am but they have to trust me even on little things such as clothing. I'm not going to be a whore or anything like that. I'm not going to be raped or anything since I know those people who are coming in the trip and I'm perfectly capable of defending myself plus I don't drink. 

And now you have finished reading the whiny complaints of a teenage girl. 

Finally got onto Pottermore last month and since I'm not a huge Harry Potter fan I didn't get all the hype. Because of this same reason, I think I didn't like Pottermore in the beginning where all you do is look for little things and read extra stuff like what JK Rowling thinks about this and that and the extra story of a character or a place in the book. Fans really love them judging from the reaction I get to see on YouTube and it's crazy because a lot of people are treating it like it's real as if Hogwarts really exist. Ok maybe not a lot of people but some still talk about it like it is real.

Anyway, things got exciting once I got sorted and yep I got into Slytherin. From the books and movies people would at first glance love Gryffindor mostly because they keep winning just because Harry's there but then again the sorting process the site does it kind of psychological and it's really interesting how I got into Slytherin. I actually love the house just because it's green and because from what I've read on the site, the house is just misjudged because they're seen as "mysterious." I love this as much as I love "being in the same house" as Draco Malfoy, my absolute favorite character from the series.

Anyway, why it got interesting once you get sorted is because this is when people start to get competitive because you can do duels already and play to win the House Cup. It's pretty cool how I've identified myself as one of the Slytherins so fast and wanted to beat the hell out of Gryffindor for taking a lead in the fight for the House Cup. That was yesterday and today I'm really excited since Slytherins are now leading.

It sounds petty and childish huh? But that's what you do when you're bored. Anyone here on Pottermore? Add me as a friend :) I'm SilverWing19518.

Oh btw, it bothered me at first that we can't make up our own username but then this is much easier and the name has grown on me too.

I love kids. They're cute and cuddly and I just want to keep them with me forever but I made a choice on March to leave a group of kids. I'm not going into specifics of who they are but I was part of one of the university orgs that cater to the needs of kids with cancer. I love the kids very very much and I've had fun with them and I wish I could see them again but I want to explain why I quit the org and why I have to leave the kids.

It's not an easy decision for me because I've already spent time with these kids and it's so much fun being with them. What's eating at me is my great pity for them. These kids know pain and death even more than I do. Life easily slips away and it's a harsh reality but would you judge me for forgetting these things when I play with them, running in a field and helping them fly a kite? I keep forgetting that they are sick and when I do get a harsh wake up call that their lives are constantly in danger, I can't help but feel sorry for them and that emotion is what's holding me back. 

I can't be too emotionally attached to these kids because I'm a very emotional person. I feel depressed easily after leaving them knowing that they're unwell. I don't want to pity them and it's unfair to marginalize them that way because I know they're great and strong kids. If I just feel pity for them, I might as well quit because pity isn't what they need. They need a friend, a companion who loves them and makes them forget their predicament who is strong enough for them. I cant give them that if I'm stuck at pity. 

At some point I think I realized that I don't want to accept their circumstance. They're facing life threatening diseases while most of them can't even afford hospitalization. It's very disturbing and there's a part of me that generally wants to disregard it. Not because I don't care for them because I really do but it's just an automatic thing in my mind. Too much of this harsh reality exposed to me makes me want to break down. I'm never good at contemplating poverty, death, child labor and etc. This makes me sound like such a total prissy and superior person because I don't like these topics but to be honest, I don't like them because I feel the need to alleviate these things to do something about it but I am powerless to do so. 

I want to give all the street children money and food but I can't because first of all I don't have a job and the money I have are from my parents. Second, there are kids who are part of syndicates where they are forced to beg for money only to be collected by bad people. Giving them money would mean supporting these criminals. Third, if I give them money I want to believe they would buy food or clothes or medicine or whatever they really need and not drugs, cigarettes and alcohol but sometimes that is what happens. People say don't give them fish but teach them how to fish but how can I do that? I believe in the power of education to give equal opportunities for everyone and that would be great for these street children but we don't have free public schools here. 

I'm getting way off topic already but the point is, I love kids but sometimes I love them too much that it makes me cry and emotionally unstable especially when I see them one day and the next they're gone. It's a selfish choice but I won't be much help to anyone for that matter to them if I'm in this state. And that is why I left the kids. 

I am completely amazed at how stressed I am of such a small matter. I'm taking a Sociology and Anthropology class and we were discussing Social Structure. And to be frank, I don't get it. Everyone else in class seems to understand but I'm just sitting there feeling like the worst piece of rotten fish as if they're all talking in a different language. 

Maybe you don't get why I'm so stressed because you've never felt this way before. I feel stupid--completely and utterly stupid. And this time I'm the only stupid person in class. I'm the only one not comprehending whatever the hell it is they're talking about. There were moments when I felt like I did understand a little bit then the professor goes and says another thing and I double back and just wanted to say, "Woah, woah, woah, hold it right there and repeat what you said. Slowly." So I guess this is what it feels like to be an old clunky and gigantic model of a computer sitting beside freaking macs. 

I've never felt so slow in my life and I'm usually the one who's good in conceptual thinking. Physics was a-okay for me so what the he'll just happened this morning? It was like my brain didn't want to work. And I did want it to work badly. 

I'm conscious about my grades. I have an average GPA of 3.07. that's fair and I'm proud of that because it wasn't easy getting there but now I'm in deep trouble because I don't want to go back to a 2. I'm only taking two classes this short semester over the summer and everything's being rushed. I'm so not ready for this. The weight of the two classes are really heavy and I'm doing bad at both. I hate that I don't have good friends in the class who can help me because the people I know from my classes just don't care that much about their grades. 

That's it. I'm through with all this crappy ranting. I'm going to drown myself in books.