...or maybe it's just me.
1. Too Soon
Who likes having their period? That's right--NOBODY. So everytime it's my first day, one of the things that go through my mind is, "Why are you back so soon?" It's exactly how you feel when you realize during Sunday night that it's Monday tomorrow. You know it's inevitable but you kinda wish you have another day between Sunday and Monday.
The ONE and ONLY plus side to this is you get a gauge that at least for the past few weeks, you're healthy. This means you weren't critically stressed and overly sick, and you're eating right. (Of course knowing that you're capable of child-bearing and that you're not pregnant are also plusses but those are tooootally not on my mind at this age)
It can get very gross. Please don't tell me I'm the only one who thinks this. Whatever sanitary product you're using, it gets messy and cleaning up just makes me groan.
3. I'M DYING!!
At this time, a woman's uterus swells. Can you even begin to think of how painful that is?? No? It's like a small man's brusekly scraping your lower abdomen repeatedly from the inside while he's simultaneously kicking your lower back. Sometimes a migraine comes to party too. Picture that when you see your sister or girlfriend hunched in a fetal position.
4. I HATE the world
And being a girl too...
5. Please don't stain, please don't stain, please don't stain
And of course, my mantra to save myself from untoward humiliation and scarring the eyes of children.
Today, I discover how my family members can easily just dismiss me and how I feel. I never thought it would be possible but today everything just crumbled down. What hurts the most was that it was so easy for them. It was done without remorse as if I don't matter. And it just had to happen on a day where I'm stuck at home with them because of a storm. It also just had to happen on a day where my grandma gets into an accident.
I didn't think the day could get any worse but then it just keeps on going. I wouldn't be surprised if I get out of my room for dinner and I wouldn't have anything to eat and nobody would care. I wouldn't be surprised if nobody would talk to me ever again because of course they think they're right and that I'm petty and stupid and completely useless.
It was so easy for my flesh and blood to call me those names. It would have made sense if there were signs previously, if there was something that was palpably building up the tension but there wasn't any. It was just today where I was woken up with yelling at my face and people attacking me with accusations left and right.
I'm not sure how I'm gonna be alright again after this because this is definitely something I can never forget. When the people who are supposed to love you the most turn against you so quickly and easily, it's just something hard to forgive. Time and time again I've thought about moving out but this is absolutely a huge sign screaming in front of me to leave before it's too late. I don't know if I'm capable especially financially but I guess I'll have to mull it over some more.
Am I crazy? Am I useless? What scares me is that I might start believing them too. I'm not sure of what's next for me anymore. I won't ever be sure of anything anymore.
I haven't written in a long time and I think I owe an explanation. In the past couple of months, so many things have happened to me. I'll try to list them down and catch up with you but I know I'll end up not mentioning something. But anyway,here it goes.
First of all, I'm done with college!! I have passed my theses--one for my major in psychology and another one for my minor in sociology. I have done all of my exams and papers and for the first time in my four years in college, I finally made it to the dean's list!! It's an exhilarating and quite a fast ride if you ask me. Even now I still can't believe it's over. A lot of goodbyes, congratulations and miss you's will soon happen and I don't even know if I'm ready for it yet.
Second, since I finished college already, I moved back home and it's not supposed to be a big deal but I realize that now I'm much farther away from my boyfriend. I always miss him terribly and sometimes I don't even know what to do with myself. Last week we made a pact to come visit each other at least once a week. All of this separation (not just with him but with my friends) is taking a big toll on me. And on the worst time ever, when I was on my way to see him last Saturday, the train broke down and a trip that should last around 2 hours maximum ended up being 5. It was the most tiring trip ever but at least I got to be with him.
Third, I have an internship! I'm not paid, sadly, but I think this is a really good experience for me. It's hard commute to get to work too but overall, the feelings of fulfillment I get and the passion my coworkers show is enough to push me. I'm working right now on writing a workbook for kids and it's sort of making my childhood dream of being a writer come true. I'm really excited about it and right now I'm writing mini stories for the workbook as well. I hope they turn out well and we actually get to publish them on time!
Fourth, so many theatre events have happened the past month! Since I've been only doing theatre during my college years, I'm not sure if it's something I would be able to pursue after graduation. Does graduating mean no more theatre work for me? I want to act again and not just watch. There's so many things I want to learn too. I don't know where these passions for art would lead me to but I do hope that I won't ever give up on them. I still have my music and my poetry too.
Fifth, I'm now on the hunt for a masters program. My parents keep pushing me to go overseas and study but I dont know if I want to do it so soon. They have dreams of me living my life somewhere abroad but what if I don't want to? So many existential questions come time mind now that I'm being thrust into the world of working. Sometimes I just wish I can decide on my own without pressure, you know?
So there you have my excuses for not writing in so long. I'm going to try to write more frequently again and hopefully I meet new blog friends here :) if I didn't bore you enough and you're still reading, please comment below! I'd love to know your stories :)
I haven't written in months and I guess it wasn't because of lacking something to write about. It was because writing would leave me to my thoughts again and this is where it leads me.
My friend sent me a message on Facebook this morning and she told me the great news that on February right after she graduates, she's going back home to Saipan. She has no idea yet if she's going to stay there for good but if she gets a good job there then she most probably will. And it just hit me really hard how close to graduation I am and for months I've been putting of really thinking hard about it because the inevitable "What's next?" question pops up.
I have a ready answer for it if anyone asks: take a masters degree in expressive arts therapy and soon get registered and have my own studio. It's a neat plan but in reality, what I don't let people know is that this plan isn't really "what's next" for me. What's next is that I'll be apart from my friends I've made over college and that this year might very well be the end of my (college) theatre career. What's next is that I'll be leaving my dorm and moving back to my house which is a long way from my boyfriend. I don't want to have to feel the sadness and pain of graduating just like in high school graduation but it seems that it's an impending event I can't escape from. My friend's message is probably the first of the goodbyes I'll have to make.
Sure you can tell me that we can all keep in touch and we have internet for that but I can vouch for you that it's different being able to see and hang out everyday. The routine I've had for four years is now out the window and there's going to be a new normal. And it's something I'm not sure I'm ready for.
My family are pushing their own plans on me as well. And I hate it so much because it seems like it's a grave responsibility and that I owe it to them. Yes, I owe my life to them and my education but do they have to control all of my decisions? There's that fact too.
Things are definitely changing and I have been positive about it but I don't know for sure yet if I'll like these changes. What if I don't? Can I even do anything about them?
I'm at my breaking point at this point in my life. Just these past two weeks I feel like I've had the most stressful time and I might have aged for like 10 years. I couldn't imagine how deep I've fallen into a deep well of problems that just won't stop coming. And I feel very lucky that I've got my boyfriend with me all those times.
I couldn't quite explain the dissonance I felt when I realized that I wasn't alone in this deep well of problems. For so long I was the only one who was left to deal with all of it. Now there is someone there who not only called me from up above but was willing to go down and bring me out himself. It's the first time I truly felt that someone understood what I was going through and not just sympathized with me but actually helped me get myself together. It wasn't the, "It's going to be alright," treatment people in tough times usually get. It's the "Don't let it get to you. Now, think of what you can do to fix this." He reminded me what my responsibilities call for me to be. I can't be emotional and let the stress get into my head. We can deal with that later but for now I have to solve these problems one at a time.
I was disconcerted with him actually helping me and I had a hard time adjusting to it at first but I know he wants what's best for me and that is to get things done. I can get used to him snapping me back to reality like this. Don't think he's being too harsh though. Because the problems I had were very time pressured and I had to act and not let my feelings overwhelm me.
But there was this one time when I couldn't hold the tears in anymore and they just fell. I wasn't even sobbing they were just streaming down my face. And he was there to hold me. He's literally the only person who can fix me in that moment. I didn't even know I needed only him. I'm the luckiest person on earth.
And yesterday after grueling weeks, we spent time together again and unwound. And I know that as long as he's with me and especially when he has his arms around me, I have my home. I never have to worry.
It's a bit scary now that I think about it--that I'm depending on him too much. I would have to keep myself in check now too. I mean, I love him to death but I need to be a lot stronger like how he challenges me to be. This is the way the two of us can grow together.
The feeling of jumping into something and then being enveloped whether it be water in a pool or the air as you dive, it resembles how I feel now. Being enveloped in his arms, in his love, I find joy. I can't put to words how much I feel secure, safe, happy, blessed and loved. The warmth seeps into my skin even when he is away. His touch lingers even as we say good bye and go our separate ways. And his smiling eyes that look at me with such intensity give me all the comfort I could need.
I still can't believe how deeply I've fallen for this man. Everyday I thank my lucky stars and everyday I realize I love him even more. We don't always understand how we feel but for me, this moment could go on forever and I know it's right. I'm at last on the right path. Someone found me and accepted me. And more than that, I was able to accept him too.
So even if he says he insists he's the lucky one, I would always add that in fact it is me who is lucky.
This love marks many firsts.
For the first time:
I said “I love you.” Looking into his eyes and seeing he feels the same, I felt both vulnerable and invincible—something I never thought possible much less possible to explain.
I can see a future with someone. I can imagine being by his side during Christmas, when I graduate from university and maybe even years after. The future doesn’t look as bleak and daunting.
I felt jealousy. It was a shocking, biting pain.
I can look someone in the eye and not feel shy. His warm and gentle eyes feel just like his arms, embracing all of me—accepting, just accepting.
I found out I like pet names. Before him, being called, “babe” and “love” just felt too cheesy, icky and disgusting.
I can’t help but latch onto someone. Call it overly attached or even clingy, I’m not letting go anytime soon.
I want to share. Sharing meals, stories about our day, embarrassing things in the past, poems, pictures and love for dogs have never been more fun.
Feelings I never knew I could feel made their way to the forefront of my heart. While some would say we’re rushing things, I’ve never been surer of a relationship. He really is the exception to all my rules, my unicorn, my love.
I just recently started dating this guy and I was initially scared of how people would react. And to be honest, I still am. Many expect us not to last especially the people who know me and my history of relationships. Still, some are happy for us.
Last night we went to a friend's birthday party. The guests were some of my friends (15%), his friends/acquaintances (25%) and people we don't know (60%). At some point in the night, a girl asked him if I was his girlfriend and we just looked at each other. We haven't figured it out yet and made it official. But the girl was still happy for us and though I can't hear her over the loud music she only seemed to say nice things. She even took a photo of us! Two other people took photos of us as a couple too. It was weird but in some way, it felt good to be acknowledged as his girlfriend. Maybe we will be officially together soon.
And then there was this girl who was so drunk she had to be carried by her arms and legs. It was very concerning so I even helped pull her up when she just dropped to the floor. A friend later on told me that it was because of me that she got herself drunk since she's got an eye on my guy too. It's weird for me still because whenever I date I never actually realize that some people are getting heartbroken in the process--people I don't even know.
Now that I realize how being a couple and officially letting people know about it affects other people, I guess I try to think more before acting or saying things especially regarding my relationship.
Yesterday I have come to the profound conclusion that I can't fall in love. I've dated but it doesn't feel the same. After a really short period of time, all the feelings I initially had just goes away. It isn't even gradual. I just wake up one day and realize I don't like him anymore.
I was watching this movie, Ruby Sparks, and I thought, "Wouldn't this be grand? Just write your dream guy and he comes to life." But then as the story moves on, you find out things you don't like about this person and you just want to change it. And then one of the characters just said something that really hit me. "You weren't curious about me. You didn't care!"
Am I like this? Has the wall I've built to shut people out became too tall and wide? Do I not care about anyone else anymore? Last night I was thinking that something must be wrong with me. Maybe this is it. I haven't found a person I can be curious about. I haven't found someone that catches my interest and holds this interest for a very long time--not a week or a month.
I'm so fickle about everything ever since I was a kid--about toys, books, about sports and games to play, about movies and shows I watch. Maybe the same thing applies to men. Is it so bad? Is it so sad? At some point, it is. And maybe with this way of thinking I'm going to be alone for a while. I don't know.
I have high standards for men and I guess a lot of people have just disappointed me. And yes, I want to do something about it. Change things and be lot more loose. But tell me. Is it possible? I'm so overwhelmed with confusion and just bitter disappointment right now. I know this guy I'm sort of seeing is great but there will always be a "but" after I say that phrase. Is it something he lacks? What am I really looking for? I don't think I even know.
Today marks the first day where I have absolutely nothing to do. My production is over and my internship is as well and the sense of fulfillment as well as the rest I'm finally getting just energizes me more. As a workaholic, I can't just sit still all day so now I'm looking forward to something new to do--any production or work.
As of now, with the free time I have, I want to refocus on music. I've finally learned how to chuck on the ukulele (whew at last!) and I'm planning on putting out a bunch of new songs. I've tried writing but still, it's just something I can't make myself do. I don't know why but for other people the words flow easily unlike for me. This decision actually was a long time coming. I miss the time I can just sit and sing in the mornings since usually I do work at night. And then there's these two boys I met who are both musicians who just make me so happy.
I'm saying "boys" because they are literally younger than me and I know it makes me sound like such a cougar but I kinda, sorta like them. Being with them makes me wanna sing out Lovesong by Cure/Adele/Imagine Dragons. And I keep catching myself checking my phone for like the 10th time just waiting for either one of them to send me a message. Is that crazy? It probably is. And I don't know where this will all end up but I'm happy.
And for the sad news, I didn't get the part I auditioned for last week. It was crazy timing since the audition was literally the night before I open for a different play and of course everything running through my mind was jumbled up. The character I was auditioning for was a sweet, Catholic school girl and I think I came off as too aggressive lol. I remember telling my friend that I would cry if I didn't get it but even as I was auditioning I already knew. Something was way off and maybe it was part nervousness and part excitement that made me too aggressive on the character BUT a close friend of mine got the role and I can't be happier for her, seriously. I hope I still get another shot at another play but we'll see when we get there right?
So I guess at this moment right now, my waiting game has began. I just flipped the last page of a chapter in my life and I'm on the brink of starting another one. I'm excited because even if I'm continuing the same old story, I know I'll find something new and where it will take me is anyone's guess. My first chapter begins on Sunday as I go and hike a mountain for the first time and I can't be any more excited!
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