I went to a music festival yesterday and it's probably one of the best days of my life. Sure, I had a few problems that came up along the day but nothing a little music, dancing and drinking can't cure. Bodies tight against each other while moving to blasting music as if worshiping the band playing is surprisingly fun. I'm an introverted person and out of all the concerts I've been, that was definitely the one with most people so I was a little uncomfortable but if I let go, there was only me and the music.
I can't tell you how much fun I have had. I originally planned to go alone and just chill out and maybe meet new people but nope, I stayed with a friend and her other friends whom I just met. It could have turned a lot better or a lot worse if I went alone. I could be a lame loner or I could meet someone new and preferably a guy. To find someone new, you have to let go, right? I think I'm starting to really let go. I think I finally understand what I'm supposed to do. Past is past and the people during those days have changed like I have. We have all grown apart and we could all probably be strangers now but the past and the bond we had back then is still holding us together. So maybe I don't have to let go of everything. I guess I just have to accept that the one that got away is called that for a reason. He already got away and there's no point in trying to get him back.
I'm really looking forward to new friendships, more music and more concerts.
Things could have been more embarrassing for me like realizing I'm in school with just my underwear on, making a fool of myself in class, tripping in front of a crowd, the list goes on. But it does not erase the fact that something really embarrassing happened to me today.
Last April, the guy I liked texted me "Love you" as a joke because I texted him before, "Hate you." It still made me gush anyway and so I saved his message on my phone. Today something weird happened. My phone was in my pocket the whole time and maybe it was when I went to the bathroom or when I was walking but somehow, that saved text was forwarded to the sender. I use a Samsung phone and as far as I know, you can't reply to the sender and forward his message at the same time. I mean, it's possible but you can't do that when the phone's in your pocket. I guess I can imagine it happening if I just forwarded that message but the thing is that guy wasn't in my recent contacts so you would have to scroll through my phone book and search for his name. I just don't know how that happened. And he actually replied saying, "Love you more. :)" and I just wanted to die.
I mean it's so cute and sweet but this could have totally revealed to him that I like him. And I don't want that to happen--at all. I told him that he shouldn't mind it and that someone used my phone to text him as a joke but that was a bad move now that I think about it because that would mean that (if it were true) a friend of mine was probably teasing me about him and randomly decided to play a trick on me and text the guy I liked. This just made me frustrated for a while.
What I'm trying to say is that I don't know how all of that happened. And why? Why did it even have to happen? It's definitely one crazy day.
We are all searching for something even if we aren't aware of it. But I'd like to think most of us are. We keep finding it but it slips away and maybe, just maybe, it's because it's not real. What I'm talking about is happiness. We spend days, weeks maybe even years, overthinking decisions. We spend them in loneliness, regret or even fear. And this short film got me thinking about something I knew but I have forgotten. That all those times we spend being so down and even recalling them as I am typing, we have to see them as a step to push us in the direction where we are now. We might not like it or we might love it but the truth is, life will keep on going. We'll all be happy. We'll all get there--someday.
So is happiness just a fleeting thing? Something we can never fully attain? To be honest, I think so, yes. But something that can be permanent is contentment and hope. We can't be feeling the high of happiness forever (well, that is unless you believe in the afterlife and that is what it's supposed to be--eternal happiness/true joy) but we can be content.
That is what I gathered from 'To Those Nights.' It's about facing our honest emotions when drunk. It's kind of hard to explain but the director's notes are here and you jsut kind of have to experience it yourself. Hope you get insights from this short film as well.
Girls can be really hard to understand for guys but you know what? It is really hard to understand guys too. There are so many things we assume we understand but we have taken it completely the wrong way. Sometimes we don't even want to know the truth anymore if we think it'll just hurt us. But whatever. Miscommunication or whatever the reason is between this misunderstanding is not the point.
I have a friend and I've told him many many times before (and I have blogged about it as much) that we will always just be friends and not anything more. We kinda spent the whole night together just chilling and it was really what I would do with any of my friends both girls, boys and those in between. But he left this morning saying he's hoping again that there's a chance for us. How is it that my being friendly can translate to my being flirty even if that is not the intention at all? How is it that he doesn't understand or can't accept the fact that friendship is all I can give him?
I really don't understand love at all. I can't even imagine me falling so hard for anyone to wait and to hope for that long. And I guess the more he shows how intense his feelings are, the more I'm afraid of the emotion. I don't want to know love if it's something like that. It seems overwhelming. Is it weird if I say I don't want to love?
There are days when you just muck up things unintentionally--especially with the things you say. Sometimes we don't realize what we do or what we say are already offending others and that's the worst, I think. And sometimes, I'm just really stupid and it happens to me. Let's just say this day is one of my least favorite days ever.
So I owe a lot to this friend of mine who saved my ass because I forgot to tell him to reserve a venue for our rehearsal (for theater) today and he still made it work. Things were really awkward for me about our relationship because he really likes me (even told me that he loved me) and I kept on turning him down but like I said in my recent blog posts, the last time I turned him down seemed final already. So we haven't talked properly ever since that day last week so now when I made that stupid mistake, I really owed him and we started talking again properly a while ago. I really believed things are going to be okay between us. But then dinner time came.
We finished eating at this restaurant along with a couple of friends and all of us were just hanging out and chilling when the friend beside me told me how she changes her contacts' names on her phone like her best friend's name is "The One Who Makes Me Happy" and another friend of hers is "Princess of Persia." She scrolled down and saw a name and I can't translate it exactly because there is no english word for it but the connotation is that this person was given hope that he/she could work out a relationship but got dumped. Do you get it? I commented saying, "Who's this? That's just mean!" And then everyone became silent and I grabbed my friend's phone and scrolled to see their messages to each other and this person turned out to be the guy who liked/loved me who I now owe big time and he was sitting on that same table when this tragedy happened. I couldn't even look at him.
He stood up and went outside and my friend who owns the phone was just in shock and kept telling me she's sorry while I was laughing while crying. I didn't think it could be done but I did it. I was laughing at the whole irony of it and just how funny the situation really is and I was crying because that was really mean and that must have hurt like hell for that guy to hear that reaction from me. It was just so weird but I can't find any other apt reaction.
I couldn't tell him I'm sorry because I had no intention of offending him in any way. I also can't tell him I'm sorry that he hoped for us to work out but I still turned him down. I can't tell him I'm sorry that I laughed and cried at this whole shenanigan. I mean, he's my friend but I dumped him and just said that nickname on my friend's phone that really hurt because, well, it came from my mouth and now I don't know what to do. How can we ever be not awkward around each other with things just popping up like this?
I just want us back the way things were--the way things are supposed to be.
What a load of stress my responsibilities are becoming! I feel really bad even as I say it now because I really wanted this (and I can't tell you what it is but it involves work in the theater) and now things are becoming rough. I feel like a superhero that is insufficient. I want to tell myself, "Oh, whatever," but the perfectionist in me just keeps on nagging. I want to do my best each time but somehow something just cuts me short. I don't understand why either.
So yesterday, my friends and I just randomly went to a karaoke place and just sang like there's no tomorrow. I love random trips like that one and it just lifted me to a very good mood. And I just really needed it even if I wasn't consciously aware of it at the time. And I just saw this video which made me really excited and optimistic about future plans and that's really something because I don't get excited as often as I do before. And here it is:
I think the idea is really great and so so exciting as well and I'm going to try and do this here on my bloguru. I wanted to share it with you guys so it can be a thing here on bloguru as well. I'm really excited because I'm going to a music festival next saturday and it's going to be awesome even though it'll be tiring as hell. So if you want to share this lifescouts thing on your own blog, go to LifeScouts.com. You can also get physical badges and all of that are on the website as well.
Wow how quickly the topic has changed.... I'm feeling scattered today. I can't even place why. Have you ever had those days?
Relief. That's what I feel. It's like I'm finally free of the weight that has been put upon me. At 2 am, I can say I am happy. And you'll find out that the reason why seems really cruel and heartless but this is why I'm writing this now--for you to see my logic and to understand.
A guy has been pursuing me for the past eight months. He even told me that he loved me. And about an hour ago, I told him that we will just be friends and that probably that's what we'll forever be. This is not news to him as I've told him that many times before. The fact that I told him again a while ago somehow feels final though. He came looking for answers and I gave one to him. I've mulled over it countless times and the conclusion is still the same. Even though he's changed his tactics, meaning he wasn't drunk, I still stood by my answer. He can be a complete idiot sometimes because he doesn't see a big problem I have with him (or any girl for that matter). He has a girlfriend.
He said he's willing to let go of her if I can give our relationship a shot. Do you see the big and obvious error there? I don't even want to point it out if you can't see it. And if you're a guy and you can't see it, you seriously have a problem.
I'm not a heartless person and I didn't play around with his feelings. I truly considered giving us a shot but it just wasn't right for me. Even if he I single, it would still be the same answer for me. I asked him time and he did give it to me but I guess me and him just don't fit. We're too different. He wanted me to see the side of him when he's alone and that's another problem although a bit more tolerable. The person you are when you're alone is supposed to be the same as the person you are when you're with a crowd (friends, family, etc). Otherwise, one side of you is just an act. I mean, if you want a girl to like you for who you are when you're alone, then that's just stupid because what if she hates the side of you when you're with others? The inconsistency is not just weird, but wrong.
So even if I'm relieved after I broke a guy's heart, I'm glad I was honest with him and with myself. This is something that I won't regret after and I can finally say that I have a permanent answer to him. It's just up to him now whether he still pursues me or does the right thing and just give up.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just setting myself up for trouble or maybe I am the trouble itself. I won't say I like it but I have a habit of taking advantage of people, something like manipulating them so they do things to my liking. From a simple favor, things can get bigger. So yeah, I get what I want usually from this method that I haven't been aware of until the later half of 2012. I mean, I don't know why people say yes to me but since they do, I might as well take the opportunity. It sounds bad, however I never make them do crazy things. The things I ask of them are like treating me to lunch or dinner, borrowing stuff from them, asking them to drive me, getting me food when I'm too lazy to walk, etc. They're just little perks.
But the trouble comes in when someone comes up to me and sees me in a romantic light. You know how saying to a person that you love them gives them the power to make or break you? Well, I am aware of that power and I juggle them in my hands. It's a difficult decision to make and of course I don't take this thing lightly. Now I am once again juggling the, "No, let's just be friends," and the, "Yes, let's go out sometime." The funny thing is I've been telling this same guy for months now that we're just friends but he's still here. The other day we had a conversation that ran well until 4 am of the next day and I concluded that we will just be friends forever. And then the next day, I felt a complete turn around and it got me thinking that maybe I should give him a chance. So do you see my dilemma? This guy has been wrapped around my finger for almost a year now and I still can't decide what to do about it.
I don't understand how I feel about men most of the times.
I’m sure you’re surprised to have me writing to you like this. I mean, who writes letters anymore, right? And I guess I just wanted to tell you whatever it is I want to tell you through written words because I might be good with words but it sure is different saying them out loud. And as an arrogant person like you are, you would probably be thinking right now that this is a love letter confessing my feelings for you. Well, it’s not! Okay, maybe you’re partially correct.
I was thinking about our trip tomorrow night and I’m just really glad you’re coming. The few times we’ve been with each other after February were fleeting and it only shows how I still don’t know how to act around you. And don’t take it as me liking you as something more than friends. What I mean is I feel really happy seeing you. You make me smile. Tomorrow night, I hope I get to know you and understand why I feel this way. Because, come to think of it, we’re friend and we’re cool but how much do we really know about each other? I don’t know you at all aside from your taste in music which is one of the topics we often talk about. And I don’t think I can say it enough but I miss you. It was just really weird hearing those words coming out of your mouth and having them directed to me made me lost it for a while. But it’s true that I have missed you and maybe we can catch up now.
I have been wanting to tell you something though. It’s about a person we both know and it’s been bothering me for quite some time. There’s this girl and she really really likes you. She denies it all the time before and she has a lot of guys she has a crush on but with you, it’s different. And maybe since you’re much better friend with her than me, you already know this. Because seeing you with her, honestly breaks my heart because maybe I really really like you too. What hurts is that I don’t know what she is to you. Is there something more going on between the two of you? This is the burning question on my mind for a couple of months now. This really is the main reason I’ve been sort of avoiding you too and avoiding seeing you and her together. Then, I told myself I’d be fine since both of you are my friends but I don’t think I can fully make myself believe that to be true until I know exactly how the two of you feel towards each other.
Well, this has taken a serious turn very quickly. Sorry about that. But actually, that’s all I really wanted to say. And I do hope we get to talk tomorrow. I’ve missed you—more than I can care to admit.
I feel like I'm on a music high. It's been so long since I've been actually with music and I really missed it. This break I have now has been a really great time to reconnect and breathe a fresh air of music again. Like if music was a person, this is me having coffee (or in my case, tea) with him which snowballed quite quickly to dating. I love love love the joy of music. I play the ukulele now and I just recently brushed up on the keyboard. I miss singing as well but right now, learning the ukulele and looking for new songs just makes my day.
It's so funny how my fingers really hurt after playing but the music with it's vibration I could feel deep within my body remains. The buzz and the high you get just makes you want to keep going. I sure as hell don't know what happened why I didn't have time for music for the past months.
I remember dreaming of making music my career and I've also been watching a lot of The Voice lately so I'm just so jealous of how these people have so much passion in their art that they can pursue it. I can tell you honestly I'm not the best musician or singer but the need for being better and showing what I can do is still here. Well, we'll see where it goes, right?
So have you guys been listening to great music lately? Any songs you want to share? I just found this really cool band on YouTube called OHO and they're really incredible. If you're into indie music, it's something you'd want to check out. And have you guys tried learning any new musical instruments? It's really cool how there are so many and my hands itch just to pick up a new one. Come on, share your thoughts!
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