A blog by Inna.
It's so funny how my fingers really hurt after playing but the music with it's vibration I could feel deep within my body remains. The buzz and the high you get just makes you want to keep going. I sure as hell don't know what happened why I didn't have time for music for the past months.
I remember dreaming of making music my career and I've also been watching a lot of The Voice lately so I'm just so jealous of how these people have so much passion in their art that they can pursue it. I can tell you honestly I'm not the best musician or singer but the need for being better and showing what I can do is still here. Well, we'll see where it goes, right?
So have you guys been listening to great music lately? Any songs you want to share? I just found this really cool band on YouTube called OHO and they're really incredible. If you're into indie music, it's something you'd want to check out. And have you guys tried learning any new musical instruments? It's really cool how there are so many and my hands itch just to pick up a new one. Come on, share your thoughts!
It just feels like you're so stuck. One my end of the table, we keep on trying to give her insight and advice and we just want to support her. But on her end, she tells us how she feels but doesn't really want to listen to us. Oh, teenagers. But I'm glad she got to let it all out. She really deserves to be happy but she has to learn that she has to choose to be happy. It doesn't come from what you expect things to happen; it's about accepting the present for what it is and seeing the good things and not just focusing on the small problems. I mean, if you keep on dwelling on the fact that things aren't going the way you want them to be, you're basically just wasting your time worrying about something you cannot possibly control. But of course, all of these are easier said than done.
A big mistake I did last night also made me feel helplessly caught in the middle of an avalanche. I sent wrong messages to wrong people. I will have to take back a good news that I sent them. The mistake was all on me for not clarifying things before sending out the messages so here I am panicking like shit. But I'm holding up fairly well as the headache I had last night when I realized what I did is now gone. I would just have to take it back and apologize and hopefully never show my face to those people ever again. God, it's just so embarrassing and stupid!
Have you guys ever felt a "helplessly caught or stuck" moment? Like when you can't help someone you really want to, or when you don't know how to face a problem, or when you can't make a decision? How do you tip off the balance and get out of being "stuck?"
I really need all the strength for tomorrow. I have to have a game face on. I'll be working with someone I'm really intimidated of and if I'm being honest, I'm also a little scared of all the stories people have told me about his temper. I'm really wishing for the best and I hope he sees my effort. I will also need luck so please wish me it! I do hope I'm just overthinking things and letting all of this intimidation get to me. I would have to kick ass tomorrow so I'm gonna go.
But tell me, have you been intimidated by anyone you have to work with? Like a boss or something? How'd it go? Please tell me I'm not damned to go to hell.
You would still have human drives like hunger, thirst, etc. but expressive feelings are lost. You would think perfectly logically. Your motivations would also then be logical and you just do whatever it is you want. And why all this fascination with shutting down emotions? I can give you three.
One. Because sometimes, it really hurts to feel. Sometimes I wish I could forget about the things that make me worry and the things that make me sad but let's face it; you really can't get them out of your mind until they're resolved. But then a new thing would usually replace them so the cycle never ends. Strong emotions like grief, holding a grudge and depression can really take over your life and it's really scary.
Two. Because we don't know what we want. I get so confused because of conflicting emotions. Like when I want something but it's immoral or breaks some rule or law. Or when it would affect the people around me to a great degree. Sometimes it could go against values you were raised with, meaning your parents or your family would never approve of it.
Three. No regrets and no more fears. You are basically limitless without these emotions. You breeze through life smoothly. Nothing would hold you back.
People who care less have little to no baggage of drama in their life. Sometimes I want that because it just gets so crazy. I want to focus on one thing but issues keep coming up because of what I feel (about the task at hand, about the people I'm with, etc.) and I can't help it because I'm an over thinker.
My dad is a mess. My sisters and I are late into our teens, meaning we're almost young adults. My mom has to stress up every single thing about my dad, me and my siblings, work, my grandmother who is sick, everything. I do understand that it is stressful because she's in the middle of it all. She has to take care of people from two generations and of herself as well. It does sound a whole lot stressful. But how you deal with that stress is entirely different. And it's just unfortunate that my mom doesn't deal with it well. She deals with it by nagging people--transferring her negative emotions, meaning stress, towards other people.
I don't even know how to help her. And I don't know if it's my place to. And the craziness that happens in our house everyday really stresses me out too. That's why I've decided that making my parents proud of the things I do, which is one of my life goals, is not going to happen anymore unless it also causes me happiness. My parents will forever and always be my parents but I can't keep on following them blindly with every nag. Maybe a change of perspective would help. I mean, we're becoming adults already and we don't have to be told to do everything so maybe treating us that way is much better. So I'll be doing whatever it is I'll be doing (whether something academic or otherwise) for me. My goals will have to be for myself right now. It sounds selfish but I think this is what I need.
What do you guys think?
So as I was typing out my resume, it just suddenly struck me that I have no work-related experience whatsoever that I can put. I feel like I haven't been doing anything substantial. I can't say that I haven't been doing anything worthwhile though. I have a LOT of co-curricular activities and I guess that's why I love my organizations. They keep me busy and they give meaning to my life (even if it sounds cheesy) by giving me a chance to do something beautiful. So sure, I may not have any part-time jobs under my belt but I have helped in organizing projects and putting out plays. And let me tell you, those are damn hard but very fulfilling.
I know some employers wouldn't even see them as something great as much as people who have experienced them. But what do you think? What do you say about people who work to put out plays and events like parties, benefit runs?
And more than anything, I know I learned a lot from those co-curricular activities I have had. The thing is, you get exposed to a wide range of people and these people have so much differences that you have to work with. Putting up with them is different from making a compromise to make things work. Some also have to be told what to do every step of the way while others can work out on their own. These little things you pick up on are what's great about the experience. You can't learn them anywhere else. Resources and contacts as well. You build on that and things will get easier.
So my one page resume might not be a killer but I know my worth and if someone else's conditions would dismiss it, then I guess there would always be a next time. Don't you think? And besides, there's still a lot ahead of me because I still have a couple of years meaning more opportunities for me to grow and show my worth and who knows maybe even expand my resume.
What I'm saying is that learning from experiences and doing what you love and feeling fulfilled after are so much better than just doing something for the sake of having a paper filled out to show people after you graduate. I'm not going to waste my time and my efforts that way. Yeah, it's not practical but life is so short, I have to love and live it!
We were drinking last night and there was a whole bunch of people getting drunk. And there he was drinking and everything. He's not the stereotypical nerd who is treated like an outcast; he's pretty cool and friends with everyone. And get this--he's a flirt. He can be a really smooth talker but he flirts with everyone (both boys and girls but he's straight okay?) so you can't really believe the stuff he says. He even tried to hit on me but I got to avert him immediately. So when we noticed he was already pacing around the room alone looking lost, we knew he's drunk. And if you talk to him, he's going to spew out a lot of stuff about physics. Ask him anything and it seems like he has an answer and because he's a nerd, you can take his word for it but who knows? I mean, he's a drunk nerd. And just to make it clear, he does this too when he's sober but it's not the ONLY thing he talks about unlike when he's drunk.
He's actually really nice and innocent when he's drunk. He was so cute! He was just like a little kid who can't stop talking about his favorite subject in school. He would take everything seriously and I mean he would think of them in terms of principles of physics. It was so fun and amusing to ask him things. And I can't help it, I really like him now. It doesn't mean I'm going to try to date him but gosh, if his drunk personality is his sober one, I'd jump him in a flash. I don't know what's wrong with me but the whole nerd thing is just so appealing and most especially when he has some personality switch when he's drunk. He's too cute!!
Well, sad thing is he has a thing for another girl and she's a friend of mine. I don't see how they would work out like if they ever date and it's highly unlikely that they ever would too. Ah well, I'm just really glad I know someone like him! It's just so cool because he's the legit nerd just like Dexter from Dexter's Laboratory only he has an alterego who is a flirt.
I say it time and time again but I still can't believe how fast time flies. I still feel like the same old 17 year old me entering my first year in college and being in a whole new environment and now I'm entering my third year and just one more year, I'll be graduating. It's crazy to think like that. Especially when each year, I say good bye to seniors and let me tell you that it's no easy thing. It really is different when you don't see them regularly at university. I guess good byes really just work that way. It's never easy.
In a snap a couple of hours ago, I realized something big. I shouldn't screw up other people's relationships and their feelings anymore. I'm going to just be a friend to J now. I don't think I can live with myself feeling disgusted with how I act. I can't do this. I shouldn't. That's why I have to be a good friend and not anything more. I'll end up not fulfilling a promise I made him but I can't do this to him and to our friendship. I don't think it's worth it and it definitely doesn't sit well with me. Talking about what went between me and J and just how wrong it was made me realize these things.
I know I messed up big time and I know things were pretty crazy during my sophomore year in college but now I'm going to set things right. I can't be the girl who jumps on every call. It's sickening to see myself that way and I've been blind to what my actions really mean. I just hope I'll have the strength and patience to stick to my guns and my values. I don't want people seeing me as a boring goody two shoes but I don't want to be branded as a slut either. Ugh, sometimes being a girl is complicated.
It's kind of weird to have some sort of new year's resolution in the beginning of the second quarter of the year but what about you? Anything you want to change about yourself so far?
I don't know if I've mentioned anything about it recently but I'm not really a religious catholic. Basically, I didn't see the point and the truth behind the church's teachings. I think that's why people shy away from religious talk. They don't want their faith shaken because its fragile to begin with. They feel like they have to defend themselves or else, their faith will crumble. And why is it fragile? Well, maybe it's because we don't really understand what we believe in. As a child, it's easy to believe in these things and we accept them the way they are mainly because the grown ups tell us to do so. When we have many questions, sometimes they just shoot us down because they can be very hard questions wherein they don't have the answers. So my point is, do you even understand or comprehend what you believe in?
I took a theology class last semester and it actually felt great. The class made me feel and that's something. I think I'm more at ease now that I know and understand better from before I went to that class. I used to be an agnostic but I think I'm ready to take up on my Catholicism again. I can tell you many reasons why I believe in God again but like my professor said, for a nonbeliever no evidence will suffice and for a believer, faith is enough. Faith is one crazy thing, eh? I'm taking this leap of faith to letting God enter and I do hope that my faith only grows stronger.
Also, if you're planning on working out or if you already are, then keep pushing yourself. I'm telling you that once a little pain is felt, don't stop and rest. Keep pushing it. Don't be like my sister who surrenders in less than 30 minutes. Don't be a masochist but know that you have to push yourself outside of your comfort zone if you want this. The more you use your muscles, the better they'll turn out to be after.
And maybe I do need to start exercising. As I said, I am getting heavier and that's really great but I don't want my body to store fat like that. It's much better to gain muscle weight than weight from fats. So what do you guys think? Have you been working out? Any tips?